Patient Product Information

Lager ®

Premium lager beer

Please read this leaflet carefully before you start to take your medicine. If you have any questions or are not sure about anything, ask your landlord or off-licencee.

Keep this leaflet in a safe place, although you might not be able to read it later.

Produced under licence in the UK.

What constitutes Lager?

Lager is a medicine to be taken orally in liquid form. It contains grain, hops and alcohol.

What are the active ingredients of Lager?

The medicine contains the following active ingredients:

Alcohol 5.2% by volume

The tablets are made by Whitbread PLC London EC1Y 4SD under licence in the UK.

What is Lager used for?

Lager is a multi-purpose medicine. It may be used for mild depression, as a nervous and muscle relaxant, as a dilatory agent, to increase sexual attractiveness and to relieve tension. In large doses it can be used as a laxative or emetic.

What is the recommended dose?

Lager should be taken eight to ten times, once daily or as recommended by your landlord or off-licencee.

When should you be extra careful while taking Lager?

If you are extremely depressed; if you are taking any other medicines, not including Bitter® or other beer-based medicines, but including Vodka® and possibly Wine® - contact your best mate if in doubt; if your (wo)man has left you; if it is your birthday and you have heard the words "strip him/her naked"; if you are a wuss, wimp or poof; if you don't want to start tabledancing again; if they know your face round here; if you start work at seven tomorrow; if you have, or suspect you have, influenza, glandular fever, or a weak stomach.

It is recommended that Lager be taken with certain recreational drugs. For more advice, see the man at the end of the bar, just out of the view of all the security cameras.

Important: Lager may affect your ability to drive or operate machinery: you may find you drive much better after possibly even the full daily dose of Lager. If affected, always check the ability to tie shoelaces before attempting to drive; you should not drive or operate machinery if anyone is looking.

What should I do if I forget to take my medicine?

If you forget to take your medicine, take your next dose as soon as you remember. Then go on as before.

When and how does treatment with Lager end?

Your landlord will advise you when to stop taking Lager and go home. After a few years it is worth verifying you can still get by without it. This will help to prevent you becoming used to it and reduce the risk of gut.

After a period of extended usage it is advisable to reduce the dosage immediately, and supplement with oily, fatty foods. Sometimes withdrawal effects occur if the intake of Lager stops suddenly and these may be: difficulty sleeping in, cheerfulness, increased muscle tone, awareness of surroundings, and occasionally, fits.

In the unusual case where patients have taken Lager for a short time, a much shorter period is needed over which the patient may recover and forget how bad it really was. Special help may be needed to recommence treatment. Your best mate will be able to discuss this with you.

What are the possible side effects of Lager?

You may become forgetful or experience memory loss. Immediate effects of Lager are drowsiness, unsteadiness and the desire to sing. Elderly, young and middle-aged people may become confused. If this happens, tell your best mate and he/she may decide to get you a Short®.

In rare cases, sudden vomiting, friendliness, high spirits and arrest may occur.

Some effects of Lager manifest the following day. These include, but are not limited to: nausea, vomiting, headaches, photophobia, mysterious bruises, a desire to be left alone to die.

As with other medicines, some unwanted effects can occur. These may include: fights, a sense of intoxication, visual and auditory hallucinations, short attention span, rambling, euphoria, sweating, slurred speech, numbness of the extremities, lack of co-ordination, stupor, memory loss, bloodshot eyes, imbalance, lethargy, dizziness, disorientation and personality change.

Large doses can lead to loss of consciousness, convulsions and coma.

In cases where Lager is used over a long period of time dependence should occur.

If you are concerned about these or any other effects, take your next dose of Lager now. If you are still concerned, repeat.

What should I do if my symptoms persist?

Speak to your landlord or off-licencee about varying your intake of Lager, possibly supplementing it with Short or Wine. Do not attempt to take Liqueur® or Mixer®. Friends may recommend Marijuana® or other recreational drugs. Wait until you have finished your dose of Lager before making up your mind.

How should Lager be stored?

Keep the medicine in a refrigerator, between 4 and 10 degrees Centigrade, where children cannot see or reach it. Your Lager could harm.

Remember this Lager is for you. No bastard's gonna take your Lager, it's yours, you paid for it, and you'll bloody finish it. If someone spills your Lager, deck them.

Further information

For further information contact your local off-licence, public house or chain store. You may also be able to obtain reliable and safe information from your friends.

Date of preparation

© 2000 jps.